The Girl Rules

As they stand today:

1. Girls like salt.

Next time you sit down to eat with a girl, see if she doesn’t reach for the salt shaker. Ask her how many kinds of salt are in her cupboard, and don’t be surprised when the answer is at least three. See if she doesn’t eat the pretzel salt from the bottom of the bag. Ask her if she’s ever salted a tomato or… a piece of melon.

2. Girls can tell.

They’re very hard to fool. If you’re not happy, she’s gonna know. If you’ve got a secret, she might not know what it is but she’ll know it’s there. If you’ve got a splinter in your right middle toe, don’t be surprised when she offers to help remove it, even though you’ve been trying to be stoic all day.

3. Girls get cold.

Boys should always take a jacket along for this reason. Never suggest that the girl take her own jacket, because she will insist that she is fine. So act like you think you might get chilly later, and pick up that light spring jacket on your way out. You’re not fooling anybody, she knows what the jacket is for (see rule #2), but isn’t about to admit it. But when she starts rubbing the tops of her arms in the restaurant, you’ll be prepared.

4. Girls have drugs.

If you have a headache, ask the nearest girl for a pill. She’ll reach into her bag (see rule #5) and withdraw some form of pain relief, usually Excedrin. Many girls are way into Excedrin. Not quite enough to make a rule about it, but plenty.

5. Girls like bags.

They’re kind of like baseball cards for girls, and the situation every bit as intricate as that statement implies. I know a girl who spent $1200 on a Louis Vuitton. That’s a leather bag less than 1 foot square, with the words “Louis Vuitton” stamped on the side. The girls who are reading this just went “that’s about right” and the guys went “holy crap”. However, word of warning– it is very uncouth to be disdainful of a girl’s bag. Also note, they are called “bags”. Not “purses” only rarely “handbags.” Do not risk a scornful look.



  1. I would add:

    Girls Want to Eat When They’re Hungry

    There is no waiting when She is hungry, and Her hunger inevitably hits all at once, like a car speeding through a red light and clocking you in your passenger-side door when you’ve just left the gym and are thinking about the report you didn’t finish at work earlier today. Right now, tou’re still trying to finish shaving or putting product in your hair, and She’s getting testy and antsy and all “C’mon, c’mon, let’s go …” because She’s just dying to have pad thai and tom kah for dinner … right now. God.

  2. I’m with you, mostly. But I’ve never dated a girl who wouldn’t take my jacket. They usually know it’s going to be cold, but they don’t have a jacket that perfectly works with their clothes, so they don’t bring it.

    Then they get the guy’s jacket and he’s cold.

    But I’m not bitter.

  3. Sorry. In my haste to disagree with you (a particular pleasure of mine), I didn’t seem to have bothered reading what you had written. I agree with you on the coat thing.

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