Things you know you want to ask me, stop denying it

What color is my underwear?
Red boxers, with valentine sayings all over them.

What was I listening to as I wrote this?
System of a Down, _Steal This Album_, “Nuguns.” Stick an umlaut over that first “u” there. The lyrics are often terrible. But damn, the music rocks. You know how your Mom just can’t get enough of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra? That’s how I feel about SOAD.

What was the last thing I ate before writing this?
An “I ❤ Seattle” chocolate Rob brought back from vacation.

What color of crayon would I be if I were a crayon?
omg, I’m going to hell for that…

What was the weather like as I wrote this?
Sunny but chilly, tinged with the scent of smoke from a big house fire that happened just as we were walking back from lunch. We could see the smoke from where we were, but it was a bit far of a walk to gawk. However, there were THREE news helicopters hovering over the scene, and it was the most surreal thing.

Who was the last person I talked to on the phone prior to writing this?
My sister, just before she THANK GOD cleaned up her dog’s poo from my yard.

What’s the first thing I notice about the opposite sex?
Her face. Is that a thing? Or do you want something more specific? If so, I dunno man, I just kinda take the whole face in at once, ’cause you know it gives off its own vibe sorta that’s separate from its parts. The smile, eyes, nose, lips, cheekbones, brow shape, hair, all come together to form YOU.

I don’t notice ears right away. But I do remember that episode of Family Ties where Skippy was all hot for Lauren (Courteney Cox-Arquette), who was Alex’s girlfriend. They were at the kitchen table doing some bit of business or other, and he was mooning over her “shell-like ear” and I remember being all “grooooooooss” but not changing the channel because I secretly liked it.

Probably a better question is “What’s the second thing you notice about the opposite sex?” My answer to that would probably be “hands”, if I wasn’t being totally honest and said “chest”. But “chest” isn’t really accurate, because basically anything shy of droopy old-lady-boobs works for me. However if you have nice hands, you’re halfway into my pants.

What’s my favorite food?
Pizza. Or ice cream. Or watermelon. Watermelon ice-cream pizza.

Do I drink?
On occasion. Nice to be tipsy of an evening, every so often. I’m no teetotaler, but it mostly doesn’t occur to me.

Do I smoke?
Only a couple drags when I get drunk, at which point my sister picks on me for being bad at it or holding it wrong or something. Basically the answer’s “no”. I don’t like how I feel after I’ve smoked. The split second “holy shit” high of a nicotine-infused lungful of cigarette smoke isn’t worth the terrible taste in my mouth, the smell on my clothes and the way my breath smells– sour and gross, the result of the particulates in the smoke getting WET in your lungs and just sitting there polluting the CO2 and water vapor that I exhale.

Have I ever blacked out?
Only once. That’s my high bar, and I have a good memory of how drunk I was *before* that happened, so that’s my limit. The trick is remembering that you’re going to keep getting drunk for a while after you quit drinking, and to stop at the right point before your limit. You basically have to stop before you can’t stop.

What color is my hair right now?
Brown with gray specks. I’d like to say that the gray ruins my whole “younger than he looks” thing, but people often fail to notice. I should put that on my eHarmony “What do you wish people would notice about you but don’t?” section. I dunno why, it’s weird. Most people would rather the gray not be noticed. Maybe it’s just a “young” thing I’ve had a problem with since turning into an adult. It’s never seemed like a positive, I guess.

How about them peepers?
Brown. Yawn. I want some of those contacts that make you have BLACK eyes with RED pupils or whatnot. Something SCARY. Like Darth Maul or a wolf in a spotlight. FEAR MY SCARY EYES I WILL BITE YOU.

Uh, no. I can’t touch my eyeball. Ick.

Was I single when I wrote this?
Yes sir.

What is my favorite month

What was the last time I cried for no reasonm prior to writing this?

What was the last thing I watched before writing this?
That Pink video where she’s making fun of the stupid LA starlets and their stupid LA starlet antics. Well, I guess they’re not just LA or starlets.

Pretty sure the Olsen twins are in there, and there’s this whole Paris thing in the nightvision camera, and this far-out plastic surgery set where Pink is basically naked on a table and I’m like “holy cow they don’t show this on Mtv do they jeeeesus”. It’s mostly funny. Pink’s hit or miss, but that “Get the Party Started” song was fairly kick-ass.

My favorite day of the year?
July 4

Am I too shy to ask someone out?
Almost always.

Hugs or kisses?
I like makin’ out, but a good hug is so totally necessary. Especially a naked one. With a girl. I like naked girls.
Chocolate or vanilla?
Vanilla, for God’s sake.

What books was I reading when I wrote this?
Bitten and Smitten, by Michelle Rowen. What?!? Shut up I will kill you.

Zero, although I’m extremely attracted to them. And tattoos. Girls with tattoos? Whoooboy, get me a slobber trough.

Do I have any favorite movies?
Are you insane, don’t ask me that damn question, we’ll be here all damn day. Ok fine it’s “Men in Black II”. I’m not kidding! That’s an awesome movie. Well, OK it’s in competition with The Royal Tenenbaums. Seriously, “Men in Black II”– “You don’t cry because it rains, baby. It rains because you cry.”

Any pets?
Three, count ’em, three cats:

  • Samson, Sam, Sammers, Sammalammadingdong, Colonel Samders,
  • Cecelia, CC, Theethee, CC Daaaaahling What-is-your-major-malfunction-private-CC, Theetheemycat,
  • Geronimo, Mo, Momo, Heymo (like on the Three Stooges), Momo Italiano (must be sung), Squeaker, Cap’n Mo of the High Seas (said like a pirate)

Do I use AIM?
Crest. Oh wait you mean AOL Instant Messenger. You probably already know the answer to this.

Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
Butter, motherfucker!

Dogs or cats?
Yes. You can’t make me choose. I like my cats better than my sister’s dog, but I like my sister’s dog too, and I’ve had lots of dogs in the past.

My first dog was “Nina Felicia”. We called her “Nicia”; she was a little black cocker spaniel and she was pretty old by the time my memory of her kicks in. She had no teeth, but would attack people if you kicked them. She’d gum your legs to death. A little thug, Nicia was, always jumping into a fray on your side.

Then there was Bear, a golden labrador retriever. I basically grew up with Bear. Then Nix Nootz or “Nootsie”, who got hit in the road. Then Josey, who was theoretically both my sister’s and mine (Her name being taken from ours– JOhn and caSEY), but she was mostly my dog. After Josey died, I was in college, and leaving the nest. I haven’t had a place I felt right about having a dog, so I’m mostly a cat person now I suppose.

Am I a pussy? Do I have a favorite flower?

Have I ever fired a gun?
Naw, I’m a pussy.

Do I like to travel by plane as opposed to car?
I hate driving. Give me a plane every time. I’d take a plane to the grocery store if I could. Someday I will, too. Mark my words.

Am I right handed or left handed?
I shop at the Leftorium.

How many pillows do I sleep with?
Why do you want to know? Are you trying to illustrate something about my psyche? Do you laugh when people admit to sleeping with a body pillow or something? And so what if they do? I happen to sleep with one pillow, although there’s one of those “sit up in bed” pillows nearby that I use for watching TV and stuff. But I don’t sleep with it, even though it’s on the bed when I’m sleeping. Shut up.

I also have a USB cable, some pictures of a trip to Seattle, an old driver’s license, the pink slip to my car, a bunch of Song Fight and MC Frontalot stickers, and four remote controls on my bed. Oh, and frequently my laptop and cell phone will be on there while I’m sleeping too.

The laptop I have to like, turn around and mash into the bed spread because it has this glowing light that keeps me awake. No, I can’t be bothered to put it on the floor or a table where it belongs, get off my back. And my cell phone has this constantly flashing light that I can’t figure out how to turn off, so I have to turn it upside down. I often use the cell as my alarm clock, but frequently forget to turn the ringer back on, so that only occasionally works.

One pillow.

Who am I missing right now?
Shane Jen Steve Mom Dad Frank Jeff Chris Spud etc. etc. keep going until my spine, or my heart, snaps.

What famous person do I have a crush on?
Zooey Deschanel! OMFG *swoon*

Do you think your ex misses you?
How strange that you should ask this after you ask what famous person I’m crushing on. I know she misses me.



  1. 1. Sarah Silverman called to say that if you had put her as your crush, she’d have shown you her hot hands and fed you watermelons and pizza while leting you hug her naked breasts. But you didn’t put her, so she’s out.

    2. Let’s go shoot guns some time. It’s fun! You don’t have to shoot AT anyone, you know.

    3. I don’t own a gun, but we can rent.

    4. I dig certain piercings. A certain woman I know just took out her belly ring ’cause she’s preggers and doesn’t want her belly button to pop out while the ring is in.

    5. Seriously, man. Sarah Silverman. I thought you liked her. I totally led her on, ’cause I told her you were in to her.

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