Here are some new Girl Rules. They haven’t been gestating as long as the previous entries, so they may not be as thoroughly vetted. However, I reserve the right to correlate and extend, revise and obfuscate as necessary.
8. Girls like birthdays
Even if they’re going old-school and pretending not to know how old they are, or fussing at you for wanting to know their age– that’s still obssession you’re looking at in the mirror, you young svelte beautiful ageless thing. And if they’re willing to admit to actually having been born on a date (as most girls are, in my experience), then you better hop on a stump and shout your enthusiasm for her existence to every passerby ’cause brother she wants it, she needs it, and you better give it to her or you’ll be sorry.
9. Girls can smell
They’re like bloodhounds, I swear. Uh, beautiful, svelt, young, ageless bloodhounds that look not at all like anything either bloody or houndy. But with an olfactory sense that is keen to the single-digit parts per million. Those day-old boxers you thought you could get away with? She smells ’em. The remnants of that second cup of coffee you snuck this morning? One cup smells different than two when she gets a whiff during your goodbye kiss. That perfume she claims to wear which you’ve never smelled is to her like burying her nose in a day-lily, and when asked my man, you better agree that its a scent as would rouse kings to battle in defense of the fair one it adorns.
10. Girls are thieves!
Oh yes you are. Grapes in the supermarket are one thing. They’ll grab a bag and gradually reduce its weight as they shop for the rest of their items, shaving pennies from Kroger’s bottom line. Still in the grocery store, they’ll eat any sample that comes to hand and never ponder whether to buy. But the most egregious thievery happens at Bath & Body Works, where they have these bottles of body stuff you can try. Girls will beeline to that goop and gleefully moisturize away, with nary a thought towards purchase. Then they’ll extend their slender limbs towards your nose and ask you if that’s not the best thing you’ve ever smelled. The correct answer, of course, is “You’re totally right, babe! It smells kind of like your perfume.”
11. Girls like containers
I know this seems familiar, but it’s really different than “Girls like bags”. Containers are a completely separate issue from bags, involving less an aesthetic impulse and more an idealistically practical, well, fetish is the only word that comes to mind, for things that other things go into and come out of. Make all the anatomy jokes you like, but if it’s near her birthday don’t forget to conveniently forget your wallet at home when you take that weekend (more fool you) trip to Ikea or the Container Store.
12. Girls like makeup
I know, this should by all rights be chalked up as an artifact of our consumptive (tubercular?) society but to hear girls go on about it you’ve gotta think that makeup, by which I mean lip gloss, lip stick, eyeliner, mascara, blush, “cheek stain”, and so forth and so on, is an ingrained psychological component that’s the result of some gene on that extra little chromosomal appendage in every cell of every girl. That’s right, girls like makeup on a CELLULAR level!
13. Girls are fastidious
We’ve all known a girl or two who’s a slob. Crap everywhere, cluttered house, cluttered bag, filthy car, crammed-full closet, etc. etc. Dishes in the sink. But inside her mind, inside her personal image of herself, that girl is fastidious. She knows it, and you’re supposed to. Being fastidious, even though at this time in her life she may not choose to act upon her nature, she thusly has every right to judge YOUR level of commitment to a life of cleanliness and order. Girls can be kind, and therefore abstain from telling you about your failings, but they take notes. Girls keep track, after all.